"...all there will ever be is what's happening here in the decisions that we make in this moment, which are based in either love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it."
~ Jim Carrey
As I sit here in my darkened cave of a room, wearing the exact PJs from this morning that I've yet to change out of and listening to the grating classical tones of a scam skincare customer service line taunt me while I remain on hold for another monotonous twenty minutes, it has become incredibly clear to me that my life, currently, sucks a huge dick.
Let's take this story back a bit, shall we? The month is January 2016. It's the first month of a brand new year - a year brimming with new faces and new possibilities - and our protagonist is about to do something that she considers to be fairly brave (though some would argue waaaaay overdue). She's about to ask her boss for a raise.
Little known fact: Pisces like to avoid confrontation at all costs. I'm even finding it difficult to look this laptop in the eye while I type this (that might also be due to the increasing number of dead pixels affecting the visibility of my screen...or to the fact that my laptop doesn't actually have eyes, because it's an inanimate object. Damn you, Toy Story, for making me believe). Perhaps that's why I've been underpaid for the past four years. Perhaps it's also because I consider nannying to be a very personal business, and so being forced to assign yourself monetary worth when you're treated like one of the family is an odd and uncomfortable task.
While I'm bad at adulting, I'm really good at kidding. Seriously, I practically raised their 5 year old son from the time he was 8 months old and now have seen two more little nuggets enter this world. I've been there for every birthday party, every boo boo, every trip to France (which was just one time, but still), every laugh, and every tear. I descended upon Porter Ranch like the second coming of Mary Poppins - but instead of a magical, bottomless carpet bag I carried a cheap, waterproof purse with a dried up Tide to Go inside and instead of a parrot umbrella I arrived by a rickety, 11-year-old Hyundai Elantra poorly nicknamed The Red Dragon. Just a couple of minor differences, really.
While I've secretly prided myself on being a bona fide baby whisperer, I've yet to demand that my wage match my talent. But today, today was the day that was going to change all of that.
Now, when I was urged against my better intuition to "ask the universe" for a better deal, I didn't realize that not getting my desired answer acknowledged would be the equivalent of getting ghosted on in a text message thread. Like, I know you're there. Even the creepy stalker known as all of our iPhones lets me know when you see my message. You can't hide from me, Universe. Don't be a chode.
It's now been over a month since I've entered into the destitute world of online applications and Care.com prostitution and there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of this unemployment tunnel - not even the faint flicker of a weathered drifter lighting a cigarette as he passes through. And sure, this all may sound a touch dramatic considering that I'm a decent-looking white girl with an inheritance and an abundance of supportive friends, but let me have this. I'll choke on my #firstworldproblems soon enough - probably within the first sip of the underwhelming vanilla latte that I'll inevitably get from Starbucks later today.
And I know in the pit of my un-toned stomach that this brief moment of uncertainty and "struggle" is necessary. It will only make me more determined to get the ball rolling. It will make sure that I never again settle for less than my worth. It will be a minor hiccup in the grand scheme of things that I will heartily laugh at in a couple of months. Yadda yadda yadda sure, sure, sure.
But, in the meantime, I'm sitting here in my room that's slowly drowning in unpaid bills and listening to this shady service line and I'M PRETTY SURE ANYTHING BACH IS GOING TO BECOME MY TRIGGER SONG GOOD GOD WHY WON'T SOMEONE JUST PICK UP THE GODDAM PHONE WHAT KIND OF SCAM SERVICE ARE YOU RUNNING CELLUMIS I KNOW YOU HEAR ME YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME FOREVER!!!
"I'm saying, I'm the proof that you can ask the universe for it...and if it doesn't happen for you right away, it's only because the universe is so busy fulfilling my order."
With all due respect, Jim Carrey, go fuck yourself.